CISSP at Holiday Inn Club Vacations

As I sit in my living room watching Jumanji, kids huddled around, I hear the faint noise of my generator humming in the background. I’m at home on a Wednesday morning, here in my small North Central Florida town. My teams are working away on various projects, and I’m getting meeting alerts that no one expects me to join. Hurricane Idalia is passing over as I type. In times like this, I can’t help but think about how to make everyone’s life easier. My wife, my teams, my kids, my boss, and my friends are all top of mind. How can I do that? How do you make lives easier?

After over 25 years in Cyber Security, 15 years teaching upper baccalaureates, and main jobs which have progressively escalated into leadership roles, it’s hard to separate work from just living. We also must acknowledge how our personal lives affect work. There is an idea that executive leaders must be stoic, methodical, and calculated. That’s not me. I’m passionate about everything I do. Trust me, I know who I am, and I also am keenly aware of how my peers perceive me. I have special needs children (3) that will live with me for the rest of my life. Life is too short to beat around the bush, nor do I care to. My life is busy from the time I get up until I lay my head on the pillow (which most nights include me designing something to be better in my head). 

My kids can watch TV when half the state is out of power because I’m overboard on my home’s availability features. Not because I want to be but because it makes their lives easier. Don’t get me started on the other security features I’ve played with here. Let’s just say I have a Protection Level 5 (for all the old school DCID folks) certification. To further explain how I became who I am, my early working life was spent in the Army. 7th Special Forces Group, to be exact. I was trained (drilled) that a good decision now was ALWAYS better than the best decision later. I move fast.

When my wife has a problem, I immediately go into incident management mode and start asking (perhaps) far too detailed questions. About the time I’m ready to categorize the issue, she loses patience with me. Turns out she normally doesn’t want me to solve anything. But that’s what I do; I solve problems, so I’m confused. Does she really want me to just listen? (The answer is yes; shut up and listen). It is so hard to change who you are. It’s hard to overcome lifelong training. To make her life easier, I’ve learned to not change who I am but to include empathy in my actions. What does that mean?

lesson I’ve learned recently, it’s never critical to move too fast.

Empathy’s definition is easy to understand, but as a security guy, it’s hard to implement. After all, she’s telling me she’s vulnerable to something, and vulnerabilities create risk, and risk must be mitigated. Empathy means looking at a problem from the other person’s perspective. Security people move fast, but to make their lives easier, slow down and take the time to see their angle. 

One lesson I’ve learned recently is that it’s never critical to move too fast. Don’t go into fix-it mode immediately. Ask questions to understand both the problem and how the person you’re talking to sees the problem. About a year ago, I pushed too hard on an organizational issue that I perceived as a problem. It might have been, but just as easily, it might not have been. Where I messed up was moving off on my own direction without empathizing with others. I was loud (too loud) about my intent. As it turns out, in my effort to make everyone’s life easier, I did the opposite. I offended, and it’s taken me time to climb out of the hole I dug.

I’m a passionate person; it’s just who I am. I love my friends and family hard, and I work hard for my co-workers and company. After all, my main goal is to make their lives easier. Years ago, if something was on my mind, I was going to tell you whether you wanted to hear it or not. Friends and co-workers sometimes liked it, and for others, I wasn’t their cup of tea. I’m learning to be wiser, but I find myself slipping all the time. I’ll never be that executive that I was shooting for years ago, and that’s ok. 

As I learn to listen better and not immediately design a (good) solution in my own box, I’ve learned I’m not perfect. I’m still a hard personality to take. It’s a continual effort to consciously empathize with others, but a trait that is worth pursuing with passion. If I could go back and change just one thing, it would be to listen better and partner better and, in turn, build great solutions and better relationships. Be who those around you need you to be.